How to Start Practicing Gentle Parenting

As time goes on, we gain more information and awareness surrounding what works and what doesn't when it comes to parenting. Recently, gentle parenting has increased in popularity, with TikToks and YouTube videos on the subject emerging left and right. This is for a good reason, as gentle parenting practices can be highly advantageous both for children and the family home at large. So, how do you get started with gentle parenting? What are the facts about this approach?

In this blog post, we'll go over:

● What gentle parenting means.

● How to start practicing gentle parenting.

● Why you can shift to gentle parenting regardless of your child's age.

What is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting is a parenting style that focuses on respect, empathy, kindness, and healthy boundaries. As the name would suggest, gentle parenting does not include the shame or harsh discipline that comes with some other parenting styles—for example, authoritarian parenting, which is known to have a negative psychological effect on kids. Similarly, gentle parenting is unlike permissive parenting. In permissive parenting, parents don't follow through on discipline and have a few rules for a child. With gentle parenting, there are rules and consequences, which parents implement fairly and provide an explanation for. When done correctly, gentle parenting encourages a balanced approach where parents communicate with their children, model respect, and provide a developmentally healthy level of autonomy. Sometimes, gentle parenting is also called peaceful parenting.

How to start practicing gentle parenting

The shift toward gentle parenting isn't just for parents who previously had a strict or hands-off parenting style. No matter where you start, you can take what you want from the gentle parenting approach and tailor it to your family. Here are some tips to help you start practicing gentle parenting, regardless of the age of your kids.

1. Make specific choices about what you want to change.

   When you change something about the way you parent your kids, you want to make concrete choices about exactly what you are changing and how you will do it. That way, there won't be confusion for you, your children, or, if applicable, your co-parent. Think of specific scenarios that are likely to come up in your household. For example, the need to discipline a child, an angry outburst from a child, or a child's refusal to do chores. Reflect on how you've dealt with these situations in the past and consider what you want to do instead as you move forward.

   Here is an example: In the past, you put your kids in a time-out when they expressed anger. Now, instead of putting them in time-out without an explanation, you want to explain to them that feeling angry is something we all go through, that there are ways to cope with anger, and that sometimes, stepping aside to cool off can help. As you can see, this is a clear plan. If you have a co-parent, discuss these changes and ensure you're on the same page. You should come to an agreement on rules, discipline, and how you speak to the child or children. Again, this helps avoid confusion for the kids and frustration for you.

2. Explain the changes and answer questions

   You don't need to say, "I'm practicing gentle parenting now" once you make the decision to do so. However, if your children are older and have gotten used to old patterns, they may have questions about the shift in your parenting style. When questions arise, explain, "I know we did things differently before. I realize now that it might be better to work together/approach it differently." It is a positive thing to model people can change, and so can the way that we do things. That is a real-world fact, and sometimes, change is for the better. In general, be willing to answer any questions your child has about why things are done the way they are in the home. This is a way to model respect. Even when it comes to something like household chores, be willing to explain the “why.” Don’t just say, “because I said so.” This does not mitigate the fact that a child may put up a fight. If they do, don't budge. Stay firm. The idea is to say, "I hear you; you still need to do this, and here's why."

3. Model positive behavior for your children

   Speaking of modeling positive behavior, this is a common and essential component of gentle parenting for many families. It doesn't mean that you have to be perfect by any means. Instead, modeling positive behavior might look like:

   1. Saying "I'm sorry" or apologizing to children when due.

   2. Using the coping skills you encourage your children to use when you're in an emotional state.

   3. Speaking calmly and showing care for others.

      You might model other things, too, such as limiting your own technology usage if that's what you want your child to do. These are just some examples. No parent is perfect. Gentle parenting acknowledges this, and it can even take off some of the pressure. Rather than gloss over mistakes, gentle parenting asks that you communicate "I made a mistake; here's what I want to do differently next time," to your kids.

4. Acknowledge your child's perspective

   One of the most significant pillars of gentle parenting, and what sets it apart from other, more traditional ways of parenting, is that it encourages you to acknowledge your child's perspective. If they have strong emotions and you don’t understand why, ask them to tell you more about how they feel and why. If they don’t want to do something, listen to their reason for that. It won't take away the fact that you have the upper hand at the end of the day, but it does mean that you'll hear them out. In gentle parenting, the goal is to work together. View the family unit as a team and collaborate. This can pair with your willingness to answer questions, too.

5. Motivate your child through praise

   Encourage positive behavior by providing praise. You don't need to overdo it, but when your child does something that you want them to do (e.g., discuss their feelings calmly, finish their homework, or share their toys with a sibling), let them know that they did a good job. One important note is to make sure that you use age-appropriate language, and praise them in a way that works for the unique child. "Good job" works for younger kids, but for older kids, you might say, "I admire the way you did that," "I'm really grateful that you were able to share that with me," or "that's awesome! Now that you finished your homework, you can go out with your friends! Be home at 7 PM.”

6. Talk about emotions and coping skills

   One piece of gentle parenting that any family can and should take away and use is that it encourages open discussions about emotions and healthy ways to cope with them. Learning to cope with emotions healthily is a skill, and without that skill, kids and adults alike may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms or repress their feelings, which we know can lead to negative health outcomes. When your child is angry, sad, nervous, or frustrated, let them know that it's okay to feel that way. Share with them that these uncomfortable emotions are normal and ask them reflective questions (e.g., “do you notice anything else happening when you're angry? Do you feel restless or get a funny feeling in your chest?”). Then, give them appropriate tools to use. For example:

   1. Talking about emotions with other people.

   2. Journaling.

   3. Excusing oneself to take a breather when mad or upset.

   4. Physical activity.

   5. Breathing exercises.

   6. Listening to music.

      Explain why these tools work, too. "If you feel like you have a lot of energy when you're angry, itcan help to jump, run around, take a walk, listen to some music, or punch a pillow to get it out. Then, we can talk about it more. It can be good to take some time to think and release some of how you feel before you discuss what makes you feel angry or frustrated."

7. Encourage autonomy

   Many parents find it beneficial to pick their battles and encourage autonomy. Let your child make age-appropriate choices. For example, the choice to decide what they want to wear that day. Especially if you have a tendency toward over-control, this might be a special focus. Think about what really matters at the end of the day, and let that be a guide for the bulk of the rules for your home.

8. Take care of yourself

   Shifting to gentle parenting can be both vulnerable and time-consuming, but many parents and families find that it is worth it. Make sure that you use self-care, and remember again that no parent is perfect. Take care of your own mental health, and consider talk therapy. Especially if you face uncertainty or have questions, it can help to work with a psychologist, social worker, counselor, or licensed marriage and family therapist. Remember that taking care of yourself is often a way to support the overall functioning and health of your family. After all, when you take care of yourself, you're able to take care of other people, including your children, more effectively. You're less likely to lose your temper or feel a lack of confidence if you have a professional like a therapist on your side.

Is it too late to start gentle parenting?

Regardless of how old your child is, it's not too late to start gentle parenting. It may take additional adjustment time with older kids, but if gentle parenting is a good fit for you and your family, it could have a profound positive impact behaviorally, emotionally, and otherwise. Kids will start to notice when you listen to how they feel, pick your battles, and encourage their autonomy. They will see that their parent is empathetic, willing to be vulnerable, sets limits, and is a safe person to come to emotionally. Furthermore, respect often follows when a parent is willing to express their vulnerability or say, "I was wrong." Don't be hard on yourself, and know that one of the best parts of gentle parenting is that you can adjust it to fit the needs of your unique child and family. For example, a neurodivergent child may require adjustments or added care in certain areas. Focus on the overall goals of gentle parenting, such as emotional availability and respect, and use your instincts.

Conclusion

Gentle parenting promotes fair discipline, understanding between parents and their kids, autonomy, critical thinking, emotional regulation skills, and more. This style of parenting helps kids understand themselves, their needs, their emotions, and their responsibilities. It is a flexible approach that is not one-size-fits-all. If you need support as you move toward gentle parenting, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional.