Coparenting With A Narcissist

What can you do if you think that you might be co-parenting with a narcissist? This is no easy position to be in, but there are things you can do. Let's talk about the meaning of the term "narcissist" and how you can co-parent most effectively if you're someone who is in this situation.

What Is A Narcissist?

Although some may use the term "narcissist" as a slang term, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is actually a diagnosable mental health condition, and it's important to break the stigma surrounding this condition. NPD is characterized by pervasive patterns of grandiosity (whether in behavior or in fantasy), a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, marked by five or more of the following symptoms:

• A need for excessive admiration from others.

• A grandiose sense of self-importance (one may exaggerate achievements or expect to be recognized and perceived as superior).

• A preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, etc.

• The belief that one is superior or special and can only be understood by (or should only associate with) other special or highly acclaimed people and institutions.

• A sense of entitlement. This may be marked by an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment from others or the belief that others will or should comply with their expectations.

• Exploiting other people and/or taking advantage of other people to achieve their own desires.

• A lack of empathy and unwillingness to identify with the feelings or needs of others.

• Being envious of other people or maintaining the belief that other people are envious of them.

• Arrogant or haughty behavior and/or attitudes.

Among other criteria, a person must display five or more of the above signs for a diagnosis of this disorder to occur. However, not everyone with NPD is diagnosed, and if a person that you need to co-parent with exhibits behaviors that are harmful, whether they do or do not live with NPD, it can be a very challenging circumstance to navigate. However, there are things that you can do.

How Do You Co-Parent With A Narcissist?

How can someone co-parent with a narcissist while protecting their child and themselves? Here are

some tips:

• Keep conversations minimal.

  First, you want to keep your contact with this person to a minimum. When you speak to one another, it should be strictly business. They do not need to know anything about your personal life, and you do not have to engage with them in any other way except for what is crucial for the child.

• Pay attention to your child's behavior.

  Pay attention to your child's behavior, and pay close attention to what they say. Don't speak negatively about the other parent in front of your child, but allow them to express everything that they need. You are likely going to be the safe parent or person for this child to go to. If your child expresses that they don't want to see the other parent, if they start to have mental health or behavioral problems, or if there are other signs that something could be going on, it is crucial to be there. Look out for signs that this person may be negatively impacting your child, whether emotionally or otherwise.

• Be that safe parent.

  As stated above, you may be the person that your child can go to in the case that something goes awry. Teach your child about emotions and emotional expression so that they will know how to share their feelings when they're in distress or need to talk. Show your child love and express interest in their life and hobbies. While it may seem like basic parenting, and while it may seem unrelated, putting extra emphasis on these areas can set your child up for a healthy, happy life and a strong connection with you as a caregiver.

• Identify abuse tactics.

  Although not everyone with NPD is abusive, there is the potential that they, like anyone else, could be. Remember that verbal, emotional, and financial abuse, like physical and sexual abuse, are all valid and serious forms of abuse.

• Get legal help.

  It's likely that you want custody of your child if you're someone who is in the situation. This is valid and worth the fight. Regardless of your situation, make sure to have as much legal support and documentation as you can.

• Seek support from others.

  It can be vital to have support from other people when you are in a stressful situation. Support may refer to both professional support and social support. Support groups may be advantageous, and these groups are often free. You may search for any relevant support groups, including support groups for individuals who have experienced abuse (including narcissistic abuse specifically), support groups for separated or divorced parents, support groups for single parents, and so on.

Sometimes, in the case that this relationship was a harmful or toxic one, there may be lasting effects. These may include trouble trusting yourself or others and difficulty with confidence or self-esteem. It is possible to heal from these effects. This is part of where support, including support groups or support from a professional, may be beneficial or necessary. All in all, remember that you are here to support and protect your child - and that you deserve to care for yourself as well. If you need help, or if you want to learn more about NPD, review the information and resources below.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:

To contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, call 1.800.799.7233 or text "START" to 88788. You can also view the National Domestic Violence Hotline for more information on abuse, as well as important resources, such as this page that can help you or a loved one who is in a current abuse situation create a safety plan: Relationship Abuse Safety Planning | National Domestic Violence Hotline.